Reverberation

I'm having a bit of a problem.

In the appendix, I promised non-bigoted readers who wouldn't flame me for mentioning two men doing so much as holding hands a sequel to The Silent Watchman, tentatively titled Hello, World, in which I'd explore the Master Chief adjusting to civilian life. That's proving to be difficult.

The idea is/was to create something that's darkly comic, and at the same time sublimely uplifting. The bits I'd written up to now are just... well... cheesy. Euch. Awful.

Here's a bit from the first draft of Chapter One:

The sign outside the restaurant was simple and used magnetic letters to spell out, 'LIVE MUSIC TONITE: JULIAN NEDERLANDER & TOPAZ CARTER PERFORM A SELECTION OF CLASSIC AND MODERN POP.' John stared at the sign as they entered Mr. Wong's Emporium.
'They've misspelled the word "tonight,"' he noted.
'It's deliberate,' Jason said, 'it's an old alternate spelling that's still used sometimes.' John opened his mouth to say something, but then remembered that he couldn't exactly argue with a man holding a PhD in etymology.
Mr. Wong's Emporium was a medium-sized restaurant, around the size of a UNSC medical tent, with the walls a pleasing shade of burgundy and massive windows at the front. There was a small wooden stage, and on-stage was a man at a grand piano, dextrously striking the keys as a plump woman at the front warbled into a microphone. Behind them, a big band backed the two performers with a jazzy arrangement.
There was a marble counter in front of a door, and behind the counter stood the projected hologram of a lady of oriental descent, dressed in a Japanese kimono but with a thick Chinese accent. Karmen always claimed the geographical discrepancy was deliberate, but Jason had his doubts. The AI recognised him, and broke into a broad smile.
'Jason! Hello again, welcome back!'
'Good evening, Karmen.'
'I heard about your exploits on the BBC. Congratulations on getting out in one piece.'
'Thank you. I suppose I'd better get used to being recognised...'
'Well, as long as you keep a low profile, try to stay out of the tabloids, it shouldn't be too much of a problem. Although I expect the swarms will want an interview...'
'I'll try and fend them off 'till tomorrow.'
'...especially with him.' John felt slightly embarrassed as the purple hologram looked towards him, smiling. 'I never expected we'd have the War's most famous hero in our little restaurant... welcome, welcome. What can I get you?'
John was at a loss as to what to order, but Jason mercifully cut in with his own order.
'I'll have a cod and chips, please, with a small Coke. And you, John?'
'Whatever you're having,' he said, quickly.

Yes, that is the Master Chief, with his partner, in a fish and chip shop-come-restaurant-come-bar, ordering a cod and chips, while a rip-off of Jools Holland and Ruby Turner play music in the background. In the end, this was turning out to be The Drew Carey Show as opposed to The Office.

The title's also a bit naff. It's too... optimistic. There's some depressing bits in the story I've got planned out, and there are some bits in The Silent Watchman that if I were to re-do now (which I won't) I'd do differently. (I'd keep the romantic sub-plot in, though.) Hello, World just reminds me of the crap parts of Apollo 13.

However, I have now heavily reworked things based around what was originally the second chapter. The story's now called The Echoes, which has a nice pensive feel to it without being pretentious.

As for the meat of the story itself, it's nearly ready. The first chapter will be appearing on FanFiction.net shortly. It's darker and less comic than it was originally, but a few things have remained. I'm sparing you the graphic details of the relationship (problems with that? keep your warped fantasies to yourself) so no lemons for you. I find apples a brilliant substitute.